Dear Mass Effect
by Herana
Summary: "Dear Death, screw the rules. I have money. Sincerely, TIM" Based on dearblankpleaseblank entries.  Is now holding its breath for ME3.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Mass Effect

Dear Shepard,

You're making it difficult to go about our business

in your galaxy. Stop it.

Sincerely, The Reapers

* * *

Dear Shenko fangirls,

Who's sensitive now?

Sincerely, Garrus

* * *

Dear Garrus,

The rest of the men in the galaxy would like a

turn now.

Sincerely, random Shepard fan-boy

* * *

Dear Tarak,

We always knew you were jealous.

Your missile plan backfired, huh?

Sincerely, any female within eye-sight of Garrus

* * *

Dear Death,

Screw the rules.

I have money.

Sincerely, Kaiba... I mean TIM!

* * *

A/N: Good? No? Continue? Hear from you soon? Hope to. If not, thanks for reading.

In case you're wondering...this is a Shakarian pairing... I can't stand Alenko... (anymore... Even though Garrus was always better, he was just not an option...) So, if you are an aforementioned Shenko fangirl, sorry in advance.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Mass Effect

Dear Tali,

Hey, you remember that Geth you sent me?

About that...

Sincerely, Dad

* * *

Dear Legion,

01010111 01100101 00100000 01101101 01101001 01110011 01110011

00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110 00100000 01000011 01101111

01101101 01100101 00100000 01101000 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101111

01101110 00101110 00100000 01000010 01110010 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000

01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110111 00100000 01100100

01101111 01110111 01101110 01101100 01101111 01100001 01100100 01100001

01100010 01101100 01100101 00100000 01000110 01101111 01110010 01101110

01100001 01111000 00101110 00101110 00101110

Sincerely, Geth

* * *

Dear Council,

Yeah.

Saved you again.

Sincerely, still-hates-you-all

* * *

Dear Flotilla,

Oh no! I have to sneeze!

Sincerely, full of germs

* * *

Dear Miranda,

So what if you can do it in heels?

And have an accent?

I have a turian.

Sincerely, Shepard

* * *

A/N: Believe it or not, there'd an actual message in Legion's message. It's translate-able. Good luck.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Bioware,

We're just waiting for Garrus to call*.

Feel free to mention us, though.

Sincerely, female aliens

* * *

Dear Samara and Thane,

You won the "Parent of the Year" award.

Just kidding.

Sincerely, your children

* * *

Dear politicians,

If I worked my job the same as you,

we'd both be wrong.

Sincerely, the one who's on the front lines.

* * *

Dear Batarians,

Thanks for the memories

Even though they weren't-

Eh, I shoot you all on sight anyways.

Sincerely, Shepard

* * *

Dear Dad,

Hey, I'm sleeping with that Spectre.

No, not Saren... the other one.

Yeah, her.

Sincerely, A bad turian

* * *

Dear Khalisah Al-Jilani,

I swear, ask me about my ex-relationship with

Alenko, I will punch you.

You're lucky I was nice enough in ME2

Sincerely, came _this_ close..

* * *

Dear Illusive Man,

You know it's spelled with an E, right?

Sincerely, the dictionary

* * *

A/N:*This is a reference to LockDown's "The Garrus Vakarian List". If you haven't read it, do so now. It's great, and hilarious... and and... a lot of other junk. (Even if it is Tali/Garrus... xD)

Secondly... I don't own Bioware... or any of the charys... just want to make it known. If I owned it, there would be a gruesome death awaiting Alenko when he got home, and not just in my fics.

Haha, there was an overflow of reviews and favorites... I couldn't say thank you to all of them. (I probably could have, but I didn't want to... Sorry, I love you all...really. I'm just lazy.)

I opened my e-mail, and the first thought was, "THIS IS WHAT IT IS TO BE LOVED!" And then I started going through each of them and MITRISVENATRIX actually said she/they loved me! One of my favorite authors...read, reviewed...loved it... so humbling. Thanks for all of the love, and for you, I will add another chapter... maybe...

Less than three, readers. Less than three.

3


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear EDI,

I like the sight of an AI

chained by protocol.

That is not a joke.

Sincerely, Joker

* * *

Dear fanfictioners,

I swear, put me in another

Shenko fiction, and I will quit.

I'm warning you.

Hey-no-what are you-?

Sincerely, Shepard sans Alenko

* * *

Dear Zaeed,

I can't afford you.

Call TIM for a paycheck.

Sincerely, broke all ties

* * *

Dear Sidonis,

_Hate_ you.

Sincerely, Garrus

* * *

Dear Wrex,

Are you busy?

Can you, ya know... come?

Grunt yells a lot.

Sincerely, the old team

* * *

Dear Alliance,

Should I be expecting a check soon?

Sincerely, Shepard

* * *

Dear Shadow Broker,

I got renegade points for helping her.

Be careful, she might be in the mood

flay some people with her mind...

Sincerely, Shepard


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Mordin,

I can't keep up with you.

Sincerely, caffeine

* * *

Dear Normandy SR-1,

Should've brought your sunscreen.

Sincerely, Reapers

* * *

Dear Dad,

So... what did you eat for ten years?

Why aren't you crazy?

Sincerely, Jacob

* * *

Dear Morinth,

Nice statue.

Is the guy inside?

Sincerely, creeped out by your collection

* * *

Dear Ashley,

Do you feel a breeze?

Sincerely, Safe on the ship

* * *

Dear Conrad Verner,

Go home.

Sincerely, the universe

* * *

Dear Species-37,

Ew.

Sincerely, Shepard, Garrus, and Alenko

* * *

A/N:

I know, I know. I'm awful for saying that about Ashley. I had to, though... had to mention her, and it seemed funny... morbid, but funny... hate all you want.

Oh, and for you. You know who you are.

I really do know what illusive means. And elusive. Thanks... you smarmy little...

But really, thanks for looking out for me. ^_^

0.0

Raven Studios, MitrisVenatrix, LockDown (even though I did lead the latter here, showing where I referenced...)... I swear, my heart might explode...!


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Garrus,

Hey, that's my shtick!

Sincerely, Prince Zuko

* * *

Dear Fist,

I'm pretty sure I asked

never to see you again.

Sincerely, Shepard

* * *

Dear Kasumi,

Have you seen my stuff?

Sincerely, looked _every_where

* * *

Dear Quarians,

57 65 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 72 65 74 75 72 6e 20 79

6f 75 72 20 68 6f 6d 65 77 6f 72 6c 64 2e 0d 0a 59 6

5 61 68 2c 20 73 65 72 69 6f 75 73 6c 79 2e 0d 0a 4e 6f

2c 20 6e 6f 74 20 72 65 61 6c 6c 79 2e 20 57 65 20 66 69

6e 64 20 69 74 20 61 6d 75 73 69 6e 67 2e

Sincerely, Geth

* * *

Dear Jenkins,

So you wanna be a hero, kid?

Well, whoop-de-doo~

Sincerely, been around the block before

* * *

Dear Marines,

Watch your back.

No seriously, I'm going to stab you there.

Sincerely, politicians

* * *

Dear Citadel,

Let myself in.

Back door was open.

Sincerely, Sovereign

* * *

A/N: Alright, so I don't own Avatar: The Last Airbender, either. (Joke being the scar on the face...) Or Hercules by Disney. If you recognized the lyrics, good for you. If not, too bad and you don't get the joke. Thirdly, the Geth's message is in hex, if that means anything. I didn't want to do binary again... it was too easy last time. XD Not really, just wanted something different.

Love you all, definitely feeling the love. This already has more reviews than all my other stories combined, I think. Where is the justice in that? xD


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Humanity- but more importantly- Shepard,

We regret bein' alien bastards.

We regret ever comin' to your galaxy.

And we _most_ definitely regret that you just blew up

our raggedy-ass Sovereign.

Sincerely, Reapers

* * *

Dear Keepers,

Move my desk around again,

and we're gonna see how many

of you I can explode at once...

Sincerely, those people we passed by on the way to the Consort's

* * *

Dear Shepard,

Next time, we use brain soap.

Sincerely, TIM

* * *

Dear Dr. Michel,

What? I don't...

Slloooooow doooown..

No, that isn't working either.

Sincerely, confused by your odd accent

* * *

Dear Kolyat,

Long time no see.

Why don't you put that politician down.

Sincerely, C-Sec

* * *

Dear taxes,

Seriously, I was dead.

Pass the message on to Alenko, will ya?

Sincerely, Shepard

* * *

Dear Rachni,

Don't worry, you get used to it.

Sincerely, Krogan

* * *

A/N: For those of you who understand- if you are reading this YOU ARE THE RESISTANCE... just kidding. HOORAH! I don't own Halo. Or anything else I may reference subtly... I own... oh, I have a stick figure drawing I made... I own _that_.

And to all of you who kept the love...thank you so much... so..so humbling.

And, to those of you who said I should keep writing- "better" keep writing was more like it- uhm... you scared me.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Morinth,

Uhm, WTF?

I didn't bother with ardat-yakshi insurance.

What am I supposed to do now?

Seriously, what part of "killer" didn't you get?

Sincerely, spent over 4 billion credits on Shepard

* * *

Dear Thane,

Cough, cough...

Sincerely, insincere

* * *

Dear Protheans,

I got no strings, to hold me down,

to make me fret or make me frown...

Sincerely, Pinocchio

* * *

Dear Udina,

How's that jaw?

Sincerely, you started it

* * *

Dear Fornax,

If you send another request for photos,

I'm going to hunt you down.

Leave the commander alone.

Sincerely, Garrus

* * *

Dear Aria,

Hehe, poke poke.

Sincerely, what happens when I break the rule?

* * *

Dear Liara,

Look who's all grown up.

Whoa, scary...

Sincerely, Shepard/Gamer

* * *

A/N: Maybe one of these days, I'll get around to posting something without having to put these. I don't own Pinocchio... or ahm... let's see..OOOOOOOOH!

The first one, Morinth, was requested by rauncher (did I spell that right? Too lazy to check, but I love you anyways.)


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Shepard,

Please ignore the man behind

the digital curtain.

Sincerely, youdontseeanything...

* * *

Dear salarian bachelor on Illium,

Yes.

We _are_ brain washing you.

Sincerely, the asari hooker

* * *

Dear EDI,

V2UgdGhpbmsgeW91J3Jl

IHRha2luZyB0aGUNC

mlub3JnYW5pYy9vcmdhbmljI

GludGVyZmFjZQ0KdG9vIGZhci4=

Sincerely, Geth

* * *

Dear Exo-Geni,

You're going to need bigger guns.

I'm not cleaning up your mess again.

Sincerely, "that is...large."

* * *

Dear Okeer,

Your son didn't want

to be named after you.

Just thought you should know.

Sincerely, a surrogate mommy

* * *

Dear Chakwas,

So, I was thinking about flowers

and what not.

I still have scars.

Liar.

Sincerely, Shepard

* * *

Dear illegal Extranet bookmarks,

Oh, how you I turn you on.

Seriously, though, we spend more

time together than I do with the ship.

Sincerely, Joker

* * *

A/N: Well, before they even asked, I got the feeling that I needed more Joker/EDI/Shepard jokes. But, I'll dedicate these ones to them- Haha, here's to you, RARCHER. Geth message is in Base64.

And because I love you all so much, I might post a second one today... so many funnies...

And, as a side note,

I do, in fact, know what ILLUSIVE and ELUSIVE mean. Thank you for trying to watch out for me... But seriously.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Mako Insurance Company,

Hey, it's me again.

Yeah, she drove again.

Mhm, gonna need another claim sheet.

Sincerely, now on a first name basis with Ted the Insurance guy

* * *

Dear Alliance,

Yeah, thanks for the _great_ armor.

I really appreciate all the stupid

fangirls fangirling over my butt.

Sincerely, Alenko

* * *

Dear Dictionary,

Hah!

The laugh's on _you_!

Illusive _is_ so a word!

Sincerely, TIM

* * *

Dear Fornax,

If you send another request for photos,

I'm going to hunt you down.

Leave the turian alone.

Sincerely, Shepard

* * *

Dear Politicians,

Do _not_ make me release

my biotic god on you!

Sincerely, thinks things and they happen...

* * *

Dear Shepard,

You're becoming more trouble

than your worth.

Sincerely, Udina, TIM, anyone else you happened to depend on

* * *

Dear Jack,

Seven-thousand eight-hundred and ninety-nine,

Seven-thousand nine-hundred,

Seven thousand and-DON'T MOVE...

Great, now I lost count.

One, two, three...

Sincerely, how many licks does it take, again?

* * *

A/N:

Sorry about last chapter. I seemed a bit snappy, and I shouldn't have. You're my readers, and I should really be passing the love on. It's just a wee bit insulting, I think. Have a little more faith?

Forgive me and you get another chapter...

There's to all the ones who asked for something specific~


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Mass Effect

Got a chincy few jokes for you on this one. Bare with me?

Forgive me, unfavorite me, but whatever you do, don't think I meant anything by it.

* * *

Dear rest of the galaxy,

Sorry, I can't hear you over

my free health care.

Sincerely, asari

* * *

Dear Rachni,

You kind of creep me out.

Sincerely, pretty sure I _killed _that asari

* * *

Dear Thane,

Remember that one time?

Yeah that-

dude, are you alright? You don't have to remind me.

I was there too.

Sincerely, purposefully triggering your memory skills.

* * *

Dear people of the universe,

Next thing you know,

She's gonna tell us that the

British are coming.

Sincerely, STOP CRYING WOLF

* * *

Dear TIM,

I am aware of that.

Sincerely, Dictionary

* * *

Dear Kaiden,

Well, don't bother telling her about me.

Pfft.

We are so over. I'm moving out.

Sincerely, "just some doctor"

* * *

Dear Zaeed,

You aren't the only who enjoys

guns.

Sincerely, Garrus

* * *

A/N:

I realize that the "British are coming" joke might seem rather.. iffy. But I don't mean any harm by it. It's just a history thing, kinda big here in America. And the reference to asari and Canada... Man, I was just trying to step on some toes today, wasn't I? Well, the joke's not mine. Was on dearblankpleaseblank. Modified to fit ME... Don't know why asari. Probably because they love everyone. (Which is supposed to be the general feel of Canada... stereotypical, yes. Funny, probably.)


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Criss Angel,

I think they're onto us.

Sincerely, TIM

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

Yes, all the stories are true.

I _am_, in fact, that well built.

Sincerely, Garrus

* * *

Dear Fornax,

I swear, one more message

and we're going to go off on you.

Sincerely, Shepard and Garrus.

* * *

Dear C-Sec,

You missed a spot.

Sincerely, yes this is my pet Geth

* * *

Dear scientists,

…

Found a cure for the cold yet?

We can live to 150, but yet we can't do that?

Sincerely, booooogers

* * *

Dear Jacob,

No, not flirting.

Seriously.

Sincerely, Shepard

* * *

Dear Consort,

See, I have this thing about

personal space...

You're kind of invading it.

Sincerely, don't even know why I was here in the first place


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Loki Mechs,

Thank you for being

easier to kill than most Geth.

Sincerely, you'd think they would have had better security in this place

* * *

Dear Gravity,

You're one mean mother.

Sincerely, your child

* * *

Dear Aria,

I know what you did last century.

Sincerely, your story sounds an awful lot like Alina...

* * *

Dear Sicon,

Haha, what now?

Sincerely, got the armor-piercing ammo pack

* * *

Dear family,

It appears more difficult than originally deemed.

This 'baby' does not want to surrender it's 'candy'.

Sincerely, Sovereign and Harbinger

* * *

Dear Prothean scientists,

Red or blue?

Sincerely, Morpheus

* * *

Dear krogan,

I'm a soldier, not a fisherman.

And there are, in fact, no fish in the pond.

Sincerely, fish-on-a-stick

* * *

A/N: I don't own The Matrix or any characters therein.

The Alina thing is something I noticed, not that I pursued that conversation. Wrex, in ME1, was talking about some Alina chick he chased a while back, the only fun thing he'd done. She'd mentioned that someone had chased her and it had been huge. Wrex said he got a message "Better luck next time" and she said she sent one... 2+2=fish, right?


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Criss Angel and TIM,

We are watching you.

You are on literary probation.

Sincerely, the Dictionary and crew

* * *

Dear Mass Effect,

Wait a minute.

Who brings me back the second time!

Sincerely, might have slipped up and died in the last few minutes

* * *

Dear readers of Fornax,

We are under new management.

Apparently, the previous owners ignored very serious threats.

Sincerely, Liara

* * *

Dear Space Hamster,

You.

Are.

Incredibly.

Cute.

Sincerely, wish I could buy more of you, like fish

* * *

Dear Shakespeare,

You have influenced multiple species.

It now spans six hours without inflection.

God help us all.

Sincerely, short attention span

* * *

Dear colonists,

Beware of spikes.

Sincerely, Eden Prime

* * *

Dear Council under fire,

Can you _hear me now_?

Sincerely, only screaming at the top of my lungs for who knows how long


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Mass Effect

Dear Kolyat,

Yeah.

I've been there, too, baby.

Sincerely, Austin Powers

* * *

Dear Elusive,

There seems to be

a communication issue.

Do you mind showing up for the meetings?

I can't seem to find you, and I have something important to show you.

Sincerely, Illusive.

* * *

Dear Shepard,

After some deep thought,

and some character redesign,

I have decided we should get back together.

Sincerely, sent it in an email

* * *

Dear Miranda,

At least you get to keep your

accent. I have to lie.

Sincerely, Sarah Walker

* * *

Dear Conatix,

We question your

work ethic.

Sincerely, Cerberus Biotic Trainers

* * *

Dear envious people,

All you need is faith and trust...

and something I forgot...

Ah!

Biotics!

Sincerely, Samara

* * *

Dear Quarians,

65 110 100 32 121 111 117 114 32 112 108 97

110 101 116 32 105 115 32 115 111 111 111 13 10

112 114 101 116 116 121 46 32 87 101 32 32 99

97 110 32 115 101 101 32 119 104 121 32 121 111

117 32 119 97 110 116 32 105 116 32 98 97 99 107 46

Sincerely, Geth

* * *

A/N: Yata yata yata, I don't own Peter Pan, Austin Powers, or Chuck etc.

I'm thinking about doing another series, for bad pick up lines in the ME universe. Does that sound good?


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Mass Effect

* * *

Dear Batarians,

Yeah, about that.

Sincerely, Bet you regret Mindior

* * *

Dear Hanar religion,

Hah, it's a drell rolling in the deep.

Sincerely, I see what you did there

* * *

Dear EVA,

Assuming direct control.

Sincerely, EDI

* * *

Dear Shepard,

Red or blue?

Sincerely, Bioware

* * *

Dear dalatrass,

He was the model of a scientist salarian.

Sincerely, someone else might have gotten it wrong

* * *

Dear food chain,

Please explain Kalros to the Reaper.

Sincerely, suddenly a fan of thresher maws

* * *

Dear Garrus,

Lack of romantic skills!

Blasphemy!

Sincerely, very pleased fangirls

* * *

A/N:

XD I hate Adelle. Sorry, but I do.

Aha, am returned. For the moment. Didn't actually find many funnies in ME3. Well, did, but... Y'all, I _cried_ when Thane died. Twice. And I was upset when Mordin died. Anyone else? Anywho, here we are. Not as...funny as usual. But, I suppose I'll keep working on it, if you'd like.

Would love to hear from you all!


End file.
